Car Accident

Fantastic. 


I was just in a car accident. 


Nothing serious, my car decided to eat a pole for lunch and take out my front turn signal in the process. 


Yay. 


The car still runs (as far as I can tell) and hopefully the only damage is the broken turn signal. I'm not leaking any fluids from the car that I can tell so far. Everyone please pray that my car is still driveable!

Taken Aback (loss mentioned)

So, here it is, 2:45a and I'm laying here almost 15 wks pregnant, wide awake. Aren't you supposed to sleep MORE when your pregnant? Well, apparently my body missed this memo. 


I glance over on the other couch and witness the light breathing sounds my three year old is making. Watching his chest rise and fall. A smile comes across my face as I bend over to gently brush a kiss over his forehead. He stirs momentarily. I walk back to Gage's room and see him peacefully sleeping, the blanket over his entire body, head included. I sigh to myself. Sleeping exactly like his father does. It's always bugged me how he can sleep with a blanket completely over himself. I feel like I'm suffocating but it's soothing to him and has been since he was born. I gently move the blanket, put on "Garfield" again and kiss him. 


I come back in the living room and put my hand on my belly. Although I can't feel my son in there (yes, we found out baby three is a BOY!!) I know he is there moving about. It brings me back to September 29th, 2005. A horrible day in my life but one I know was a blessing now that I can look back on it. 


We had found out we were pregnant with number one on September 3rd through an ER visit for a terrible headache. We were both shocked but thrilled all at the same time. I asked the ER how far along I was based on my levels. They said around 7 wks. I smiled so brightly that whole entire day. I knew I was fairly early in my pregnancy so I figured I had some time to get into a doctor since I knew they didn't see you till sometime before 12 wks. I started a pregnancy journal. Started taking my pre-natals thinking nothing would happen to us. I was wrong. 


On September 28th, I was sitting at the computer talking with my best friend when my back started to hurt. I had some back pain throughout that pregnancy so I thought nothing of it. It started getting worse so I told my friend I would talk to her tomorrow that I was going to lay down for the night because of the pain. I simply thought that it was from sitting in a office chair that wasn't very supportive especially for a pregnant girl. I went in and laid down next to Michael, who was fast asleep. It was a fitful sleep. I couldn't get comfortable for anything. I tossed and turned, waking up Mike several times. I finally fell asleep around 8a just from sheer exhaustion. Around 11a, I felt the urge to use the restroom, so I went in and did my business. I noticed bleeding and immediately called my mother into the bathroom. She told me we had to go to the hospital. We arrived at Methodist around 12:30p and I was placed in an exam room. I gave them my list of symptoms, which wasn't long at all, and how far along I was based on what the ER told me. My back was hurting pretty bad at this point, to the point of me not being able to stand. They told me they needed a clean urine sample so they did a foley catheter. Thats when everything went wrong. After the catheter, I felt something that was not normal. It literally felt like I had peed my pants but it wasn't urine, it was blood. I was devastated because I knew what was happening. I was losing my precious baby. Everything was surreal at this point and I don't know how I remember everything but I guess this day will be forever burned into my memory. With my mother at my side (Michael was in the waiting room with my 4 year old sister taking turns with my mother), the doctor's had to give me a D & C because I was hemmorhaging. They confirmed my worst fears, my baby had passed away. I could literally pinpoint the second my heart broke. I broke down with my mom at my side. After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor came back in and asked me if I wanted to bury the baby's remains. I picked my head up. I couldn't understand what he was saying. I was only 10 wks, give or take some time, how could there be anything there to bury? The doctor looked at me as though I was crazy. He goes "Heather, based on size you were around 16-17 wks. Who told you were only 8 wks?" I was in shock and couldn't fathom what he was telling me. How could I have been that far along and not known it? The birth control I was on made me miss my periods. I did the worst thing someone could ever do. I let them bury my baby. I regret it to this day. They performed an autopsy on him, at my mother's request, and found out he had a very common neural tube defect called Anenchephaly. It means his brain stem didn't fully form during the beginning of my pregnancy most commonly due to lack of Folic Acid. I felt horrible. My baby died because of me. Because I didn't know I was pregnant yet. Because I didn't take care of my body. 


It's been over 6 years since that day and I can still smell the hospital. I can still feel the sheets covering my body. I can still picture the look on the doctor's face. This will never go away. I never want to forget him. We named him Sebastian Michael. I know deep down, with his disease, it was better that way. After much research on the subject, I found out that most babies don't survive birth. If they do, they never have "consciousness" so are just basically kept alive by machines. They will never run, never smile, never coo. I see it as a blessing from God. He didn't want my precious son to suffer. He didn't want Michael or I to suffer, watching our child pass away if he made it that far. Even though I never got to hold him, I was still his mommy and always will be. He is truly my guardian angel sent from God to show us the power of love. 


I dont have much from him just the memories of him and some mementos that were bought after his death plus a blanket that Daddy bought him when we found out I was pregnant. I have an gold angel candle that I burn every year on his "angel"-versary. His brother's know about him and know that he is happy in Heaven with Jesus. We all know we will see him one day. I think of him everyday and wonder to myself what life would be like if he were here, not in Heaven. 


So as I kiss my boys goodnight && feel the little miracle inside me, I am reminded of the little miracle I have that watches over us. My heart gets warm and a smile comes across my face because I know that we are safe. I just hope with all hope that he knows how much I love and miss him everyday.  


Sebastian Michael
09.29.2005
6 in 4.2 oz