Car Accident

Fantastic. 


I was just in a car accident. 


Nothing serious, my car decided to eat a pole for lunch and take out my front turn signal in the process. 


Yay. 


The car still runs (as far as I can tell) and hopefully the only damage is the broken turn signal. I'm not leaking any fluids from the car that I can tell so far. Everyone please pray that my car is still driveable!

Taken Aback (loss mentioned)

So, here it is, 2:45a and I'm laying here almost 15 wks pregnant, wide awake. Aren't you supposed to sleep MORE when your pregnant? Well, apparently my body missed this memo. 


I glance over on the other couch and witness the light breathing sounds my three year old is making. Watching his chest rise and fall. A smile comes across my face as I bend over to gently brush a kiss over his forehead. He stirs momentarily. I walk back to Gage's room and see him peacefully sleeping, the blanket over his entire body, head included. I sigh to myself. Sleeping exactly like his father does. It's always bugged me how he can sleep with a blanket completely over himself. I feel like I'm suffocating but it's soothing to him and has been since he was born. I gently move the blanket, put on "Garfield" again and kiss him. 


I come back in the living room and put my hand on my belly. Although I can't feel my son in there (yes, we found out baby three is a BOY!!) I know he is there moving about. It brings me back to September 29th, 2005. A horrible day in my life but one I know was a blessing now that I can look back on it. 


We had found out we were pregnant with number one on September 3rd through an ER visit for a terrible headache. We were both shocked but thrilled all at the same time. I asked the ER how far along I was based on my levels. They said around 7 wks. I smiled so brightly that whole entire day. I knew I was fairly early in my pregnancy so I figured I had some time to get into a doctor since I knew they didn't see you till sometime before 12 wks. I started a pregnancy journal. Started taking my pre-natals thinking nothing would happen to us. I was wrong. 


On September 28th, I was sitting at the computer talking with my best friend when my back started to hurt. I had some back pain throughout that pregnancy so I thought nothing of it. It started getting worse so I told my friend I would talk to her tomorrow that I was going to lay down for the night because of the pain. I simply thought that it was from sitting in a office chair that wasn't very supportive especially for a pregnant girl. I went in and laid down next to Michael, who was fast asleep. It was a fitful sleep. I couldn't get comfortable for anything. I tossed and turned, waking up Mike several times. I finally fell asleep around 8a just from sheer exhaustion. Around 11a, I felt the urge to use the restroom, so I went in and did my business. I noticed bleeding and immediately called my mother into the bathroom. She told me we had to go to the hospital. We arrived at Methodist around 12:30p and I was placed in an exam room. I gave them my list of symptoms, which wasn't long at all, and how far along I was based on what the ER told me. My back was hurting pretty bad at this point, to the point of me not being able to stand. They told me they needed a clean urine sample so they did a foley catheter. Thats when everything went wrong. After the catheter, I felt something that was not normal. It literally felt like I had peed my pants but it wasn't urine, it was blood. I was devastated because I knew what was happening. I was losing my precious baby. Everything was surreal at this point and I don't know how I remember everything but I guess this day will be forever burned into my memory. With my mother at my side (Michael was in the waiting room with my 4 year old sister taking turns with my mother), the doctor's had to give me a D & C because I was hemmorhaging. They confirmed my worst fears, my baby had passed away. I could literally pinpoint the second my heart broke. I broke down with my mom at my side. After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor came back in and asked me if I wanted to bury the baby's remains. I picked my head up. I couldn't understand what he was saying. I was only 10 wks, give or take some time, how could there be anything there to bury? The doctor looked at me as though I was crazy. He goes "Heather, based on size you were around 16-17 wks. Who told you were only 8 wks?" I was in shock and couldn't fathom what he was telling me. How could I have been that far along and not known it? The birth control I was on made me miss my periods. I did the worst thing someone could ever do. I let them bury my baby. I regret it to this day. They performed an autopsy on him, at my mother's request, and found out he had a very common neural tube defect called Anenchephaly. It means his brain stem didn't fully form during the beginning of my pregnancy most commonly due to lack of Folic Acid. I felt horrible. My baby died because of me. Because I didn't know I was pregnant yet. Because I didn't take care of my body. 


It's been over 6 years since that day and I can still smell the hospital. I can still feel the sheets covering my body. I can still picture the look on the doctor's face. This will never go away. I never want to forget him. We named him Sebastian Michael. I know deep down, with his disease, it was better that way. After much research on the subject, I found out that most babies don't survive birth. If they do, they never have "consciousness" so are just basically kept alive by machines. They will never run, never smile, never coo. I see it as a blessing from God. He didn't want my precious son to suffer. He didn't want Michael or I to suffer, watching our child pass away if he made it that far. Even though I never got to hold him, I was still his mommy and always will be. He is truly my guardian angel sent from God to show us the power of love. 


I dont have much from him just the memories of him and some mementos that were bought after his death plus a blanket that Daddy bought him when we found out I was pregnant. I have an gold angel candle that I burn every year on his "angel"-versary. His brother's know about him and know that he is happy in Heaven with Jesus. We all know we will see him one day. I think of him everyday and wonder to myself what life would be like if he were here, not in Heaven. 


So as I kiss my boys goodnight && feel the little miracle inside me, I am reminded of the little miracle I have that watches over us. My heart gets warm and a smile comes across my face because I know that we are safe. I just hope with all hope that he knows how much I love and miss him everyday.  


Sebastian Michael
09.29.2005
6 in 4.2 oz

Panic Mode - Version 1

Earlier today, panic mode set in. Lol

I was cleaning out the fridge when I started getting really anxious for some reason. I stopped, sat down and breathed but then my brain got to thinking about everything and I freaked myself out!

I kept asking myself "How am I going to do this with three kids?"

Yes, I'm a single mom of two (going to be three)

The father of my two older children is not involved in their life because he is currently serving a 13 years prison sentence for abusing me while I was pregnant with our second child. I have no contact with him and have expressed my immense distaste for allowing him to see the children in prison. I will NOT take my children and subject them to that lifestyle. Selfish on my part? Maybe.

The father of this baby is very much involved with the pregnancy. He has attended all appts with me so far and plans on attending every one. I talk to him everyday, whether it's related to the pregnancy or not. Yes, he is an ex. I had a little hope that we might get back together once he found out I was pregnant, but now I'm glad wwe didn't. We are better friends since we've broke up. He is very excited about the pregnancy and the prospect of being a father. I guess I am blessed in this instance. I could have a deadbeat for a father. But that's not the case with this baby. His father works and is a full time college student.

I don't live with anyone. I have had the place I have for almost 3 years. My oldest son has been attending the same school for children with developmental delays for 3 years. My family lives here in town. My best friend lives about two minutes away from me so I have a strong support system here in town. All my bills are paid, in full, every month. My children may not have everything they want but they have everything they NEED.

I guess now that I sit and type this, I guess I don't have it so bad. There is always somebody out there that is worse off than me. I need to count my blessings. I provide for my children the best I can. My children know that they can depend on their mommy and that I am always there for them. I am providing stability for them. I am accepting my responsibilities as not only a mother, but as an adult.

I can do this with three children. Heck, if the octo-mom can do it, I can! 

A Very Scary Night

Three days ago I was laying in bed when I noticed I had to go to the bathroom. Thinking nothing was wrong, I went into the bathroom, did what I needed to do and discovered that I was bleeding. I freaked out and called ''baby's daddy'' to let him know that I was leaving for the hospital. It wasn't alot but it still freaked me out enough to head there. 


I had Gage with me but dropped off Jaxon at my mothers. Mind you, I had to wake them up at 1am but Gage didn't mind because he got to the "hopsicle" with mommy. Jaxon was so tired I'm glad that I didn't take him with. 


There is a hospital right here in town that I went to.Once I got there, the bleeding had sort of stopped but I still wanted to make sure everything was okay. They got me undressed, inserted an IV then instructed me that I needed a full bladder because based on how far along I was, they were probably going to do an U/S on me. B/P and everything else on me was okay so I was whisked off to U/S with Gage in tow. Got there and after what seemed like an eternity, but in all acutality was only a few minutes, they found my jelly bean and a strong heartbeat still there. They also tested my levels and said they were good. The sonogram took about a half hour which is the longest sonogram I've ever endured. They kept looking near my right ovary. I get sent back up to my room and about a half hour later the doc comes back with the news that I have SCH or a subchrionic hematoma. 


Subchorionic Hematoma

So I get sent home, the bleeding subsides and I contact my OB the next morning. I was told that it was small, to take it easy over the weekend and that it should be gone by my next appt on 09.20 :) Pray for me that it goes away and doesn't get bigger!! I was told that my pregnancy is considered high risk now because the higher chances of placental abruption if the SCH does get bigger instead of smaller. So if it wasn't for the SCH I would still be high risk because of the gestational diabetes. 

First U/S

Welp.... today was our first sonogram and sneak peek of baby #3 :)


Everything is going great. There was a good STRONG heartbeat of 160 and I am measuring right on time, a day ahead to be exact so my due date was adjusted to 4.19.2012


The daddy almost cried at the appt and a big grin came across his face as he heard the heartbeat :)


Jaxon was also there and was wandering around the doctor's office holding my sonogram pictures and going up to random people and saying "this is my baby, see it?" 

Afterwards we went and picked up Gage and went to Mcdonald's for the boys to grab a bite to eat. I tried to eat but the nausea is so bad with this pregnancy, that I couldn't even look at the food! Lol. I was given something to help with the migraines I get during pregnancy. I will probably have to be seen by my perinatologist, Dr Egley, earlier in my pregnancy than I had hoped. I get Gestational Diabetes with my pregnancies and after my ER visit last week, they found my blood sugar to be borderline already. Blech. 

Took the kids to the park to play today and they had a blast :) 

What a World....

So here I am doing something I never thought that I would have the time or patience to do...


starting a blog. 


Yes, I have been bit by the "blogging bug" and I secretly wonder to myself how long I will be able to keep this up. 


A little about me besides that nifty little box you see over on your right:


I'm a SAHM of two wonderful precious boys who are ages four and two. They are my entire world and make everything brighter. I am currently expecting baby number 3 and can't wait. My first OB appt is this coming Monday :) The daddy can't wait to hear the HB and honestly, neither can I. 


My oldest son, Gage, is a special needs child. He is developmentally delayed with speech problems and some limited reasoning abilities. He has some mental disorders which he is currently on medication for. I thank God everyday for my special little guy for he truly makes me see the good in everyone. He loves everyone and will talk to anyone. I love him soo much. 


Jaxon is my loving two year old who is a mini tornado. He is curious about everything! If he see's a bug, he will pick it up and bring it to me no matter how big. He loves the show "Calliou", it's the only thing he will watch on TV. He's not a big tv watcher, he's more of a hands-on toddler :) 


I make layouts with Paint Shop Pro, although I am just starting, they are no where near great yet. I find I am better with quotes and text graphics then anything. I am still learning and am eager to learn more.